Guests Say the Darndest Things - Lodging Newsletter August 31, 2025
Published: 08/31/25 Topics: AirBnB, Booking.com, Expedia, Guest Behavior, Lodging Newsletter, Radio, Television, VRBO.com Comments: 0
From 1959 to 1969, host Art Linkletter’s TV show, "Kids Say the Darndest Things", was a staple on CBS television. It was based on his previous radio series with the same name.
Every business person who speaks with customers knows that the general public can say some doozie things. Retailers can’t remember every person who comes to the cash register, but they can certainly remember those who ask too much, demand too much, and sometimes pay too little.
The vacation rental and lodging industry is no different. If you want to make a meeting of hospitality people cry from laughing, just get them started on their stories. Most are funny, some are silly, and occasionally even a little sad.
Having a customer become irritated may be undesirable if a property fails in some way - a freezer that won’t freeze, and key that won’t turn, a hot tub that is warm. What is not decipherable is when they lose their tempers over things on one could anticipate.
Although the advent of online advertising services such as Expedia, Booking.com, VRBO, AirBnB and many other "channels" increase occupancy and profit for property owners, they also encourage consumers to demand more. Guests on AirBnB are 500% more likely to be difficult than if they booked on VRBO. They are 700% riskier than if they booked directly with the management firm.
This newsletter is not to complain about those guests. It is to thank the dozens of hard working staff who must deal with the 5% of guests who are finicky, while finding joy in the wonderful thank yous they get from 95% of the public who love what they do.
Every day the attitude must be uplifting, helpful, and even overly kind to every person they come in contact with. There must be smiles and slow explanations, non-stop assistance, and downright kindness in all we do.
It’s not easy. But one small reward helps. When we look back at the darndest things guests say, we get to smile and, after further thought and reflection, we get to see that difficult guests are just another way we service the property and property owners.
Every business person who speaks with customers knows that the general public can say some doozie things. Retailers can’t remember every person who comes to the cash register, but they can certainly remember those who ask too much, demand too much, and sometimes pay too little.
The vacation rental and lodging industry is no different. If you want to make a meeting of hospitality people cry from laughing, just get them started on their stories. Most are funny, some are silly, and occasionally even a little sad.
Having a customer become irritated may be undesirable if a property fails in some way - a freezer that won’t freeze, and key that won’t turn, a hot tub that is warm. What is not decipherable is when they lose their tempers over things on one could anticipate.
Although the advent of online advertising services such as Expedia, Booking.com, VRBO, AirBnB and many other "channels" increase occupancy and profit for property owners, they also encourage consumers to demand more. Guests on AirBnB are 500% more likely to be difficult than if they booked on VRBO. They are 700% riskier than if they booked directly with the management firm.
This newsletter is not to complain about those guests. It is to thank the dozens of hard working staff who must deal with the 5% of guests who are finicky, while finding joy in the wonderful thank yous they get from 95% of the public who love what they do.
Every day the attitude must be uplifting, helpful, and even overly kind to every person they come in contact with. There must be smiles and slow explanations, non-stop assistance, and downright kindness in all we do.
It’s not easy. But one small reward helps. When we look back at the darndest things guests say, we get to smile and, after further thought and reflection, we get to see that difficult guests are just another way we service the property and property owners.
Here are a few anecdotes that would have made even Art Linkletter wrinkle his nose.
Lodging Newsletter by William May
August 31, 2025 - Guests Say the Darndest Things
To book thousands and thousands of nights for vacation rental houses, condos and rooms, staff member are always on the phone answering questions, providing clarity and taking bookings. We must remember the hoards of people we are making happy with wonderful vacations and holidays. But we also remember the arcane, bizarre, and just plain crazy words some people say. (Along with answers we would think, but not say loud.)
Q: Can we use the neighbor’s boat? How would they even know? (We would tell them.)
Q: I am not putting my female parts into a hot tub after my children use it. (Nice kids.)
Q: Why does the lake go up and down twice a day? (Can you spell O-C-E-A-N?)
Q: The dates I wanted are booked. Can you cancel the other people? (We like them better.)
Q: Can I bring a trailer with 10 more people to use the bathroom? (Mr. Septic will not like that.)
Q: Why is there a pet cleaning fee? My dog doesn’t pee that much. (Did you measure it?)
Q: I had to rearrange all the furniture to be feng shui. You’ll love it. (No, we won’t.)
Q: Am I allowed to use the water? (Yes and electricity, too. Kinda like magic.)
Q: Is there a nearby store where I can buy a large bra? (Bras R Us.)
Q: For max occupants do you count young people AND old people? (None over 100.)
Q: How thick is the toilet paper? (Do you have something special in mind?)
Q: Can you block all political news on the TV? (Would if we could.)
Q: Why is there no garbage disposal in the bath tub? (I have no kind answer.)
Q: Can you ship me the devices I left in the bedroom? (Only if we don’t have to touch them.)
Q: Can you guarantee it will be snowing? (In summer years, we can.)
Q: Can I bring guns for target practice? (Book that room at the jail.)
Q: Does your Internet provider allow porn? (That is more than we want to think about.)
Q: Don’t tell my wife I am renting with my girlfriend. (There are extra charges for infidelity.)
Q: Do you have a bed bigger than a King. My wife is coming with me. (You have us confused.)
Q: Can you tell me where I can get a lap dance? (Ah ah ah, no.)
Q: I see checkout is 11AM. Can I leave earlier? (No, you must stay every minute.)
Q: Can you pick me up at the airport? It’s only 3 hours away. (Rush hour, or?)
Q: I arrived late, do I get a discount? (Try that at McDonalds.)
Q: If the listings says no dogs, does that mean no pit bulls? (No bulls of any kind.)
Q: If I stay three times do I get one free? (One what?)
Q: Can you guarantee it won’t be raining? (Yes, if there are no clouds.)
Q: Can you arrange for a porta potty for my uncle. (Not that uncle.)
Q: Can the bathroom be locked from the inside so my kids don’t come in? (Odd children.)
Q: I am only 51, but can I get the senior discount anyway? (Do you look old?)
Q: My dog is not a service animal, can I just say it is? (How nice of you to ask, no.)
Q: Do you provide free jello mix? (What flavor? No.)
Q: Can you introduce me to friends while I am there? (We’ll be your friend.)
Q: Do you guarantee the toilet seat will be comfortable for a long sit? (Spelling?)
Q: Does the door lock? (Yes.) Does the refrigerator lock? Does the TV lock? (No.)
Q: Can I get a discount if I book last-minute? (Sure, it it’s only for one minute.)
Q: Can you put a framed picture of Sylvester Stallone on the night stand? (Is it for your wife?)
Q: When we depart can we take all the soaps and paper products home? (If you are that poor.)
Q: Is that garage tall enough to put my travel trailer in? (Sorry, no trailers allowed.)
Q: Can you meet me when I arrive at 1AM, to explain where to eat? (Too early for breakfast.)
Q: Can you waive the fee if I clean up before I depart? (Promises, promises, promises.)
Q: Where do bears go in the woods? (Please rephrase that.)
Blog #: 1040 – 08/31/25
Sponsor: Vortex VIP – We have one mission - to train and support the top lodging managers offering a variety of Resorts & Vacation Rental homes. Our support services provide world-class marketing, advertising, reservations, administration, accounting and training. All combined along with onsite local managers and staff. – VortexVIP.com
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